I am not exactly sure how to start this article. Yes, I went to Keystone and yes, it is as amazing as everyone says. But less talked about are the days after. When we snap back to “reality”. For me this meant returning to my kids and wife only a few hours away. That Sunday evening I was greeted with hugs, kisses, and I miss you’s. My wife is at a level of support and acceptance that I am truly grateful for. That being said, this is still A Lot for her. So what comes next is no mystery, but it’s new territory for the both of us, and the reason I decided to write this article.
Sunday ends like any other day. But, I will say that my wife and I had some of the best cuddles that night. Monday passes like so many Mondays before. However, Tuesday and Wednesday are completely different stories. I do not know exactly how the conversation got started, nor will I be able to present it in a perfectly linear fashion. But what comes next is a series of topics that many of you will be familiar with. And if you are not, then I take this next part of the journey with you as a “newbie”.
Tuesday evening, after dinner and chores, we find ourselves relaxing and my wife notices a spot on my ankles that I neglected to shave. OMG, I can’t believe I went all weekend like that. We have a laugh and make some light chatter about the past weekend. I can’t remember the details, but I do know it lead to one of the highlights of these two days. I told my wife that I met, for the first time, some really cool wives. Shout out to Cheri, Tara, Karen, and Stacy. Her reply, to paraphrase, was that she is at a spot where she would like to meet another SO. Mind you I would not be dressed or possibly present for this. So super yay!
With that success under my totally cute belt, I proceed to tell her about an encounter where I was hit on, in a major way. This was not what she wanted to hear. Those fears of “is he gay” “is this about sex” “will he leave me” all came bubbling out. What ensued was a lengthy conversation with as many reassurances as possible, that; I, in no manner want to stray from her in any way, shape, or form. As you all know, this is a typical conversation that probably will be had many times over the course of this journey. And I will happily comfort her and put to bed any worries she has. Love once again conquers fear and we have a pleasant night.
It’s now Wednesday. Same routine as before. Kids, dinner, and chores. I start the unpacking process which ended in me tweezing some stray eyebrow hairs. She has never seen me do this and commented that I for sure do not need to be plucking them. To which I replied: Yes I do and I have been for over a year now and you have loved it the whole time but are now just realizing this subtle change in my appearance. I notice that fear in her eyes of “how far will this go” “is he trans” “what does this mean”. One of her friends makes a surprise appearance and we move on.
Over the course of the next couple of hours a lot of CD talk is had. Reminder, this is the second day in a row with tent pole levels of topics. Something like this has not occurred once in the last year and a half. That being said, we discussed how to store my jewelry, what to do about the marks on my ears from the clip on earrings, the fact that I had attempted to condition my earlobes while at work, and that it looks odd that I am partially shaved in the leg and chest areas. And yes she is right it does. But that’s really not the point. The point is that in less than 48 hours she took in nearly a years worth of information. That can be overwhelming for anyone.
What occurred next was a serious argument. I apologized for the position she was in and for the fact that she will have to lie; something she hates doing and one of the biggest reasons I love her. Honest to a fault. Like any heated argument we go back and forth. I do not remember any of the details until she asks this one question. Are you proud of what you are? The conversation instantly stops. I truly had to think about this. And I knew that whatever my answer was, it was going to frame everything about me and us moving forward. Now, if she would have asked me post Keystone last year I would have probably given some wishy washy response. And if she asked me two years ago I would have said I am not worthy of love and wished I was dead.
But this year at that exact time I said yes. I am very proud of who I am and what I do. We are special people that are rare, and understand this world and its people in a way that very few can. I pointed out her own gender fluidity. And I impressed upon her that the person she fell in love with is lovable because of what I am. I am so happy to be who I am and to have the friends I have. So now it was her decision. Love me for who I am or not. I must have said something right as the argument halted and we went to our neutral corners. So ridiculously happy to share that she chose love. She came back with this look in her eyes like she was the lucky one. It melted my heart and we shared one of the most wonderful hugs I’ve ever experienced.
As I sit here with tears welling up in my eyes I hope with all of my being that you too will feel this love. This journey we are on is not an easy one in any way. Even with a loving and accepting SO. But I will leave you with this; if, when, and where you find yourself an SO; you must communicate with them. It will not always be sunshine and lollipops. But in those moments, I hope you will be able to stand up for yourself and advocate for love. Because you are worthy of it, you are a rare and unique individual, and we will all be better when you can be your authentic self.
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View all articles by Erika BellTags: crossdresser encouragement crossdresser resources crossdressing in public
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